I remember a period in which the farthest age of mine I can remember is 18. Moreover, even though my logic told me that I will be 18 years old one day, something inside me told that this would be impossible due to some reasons; my logic was not convinced at all. How could it be convinced? I had never been 18 years old before and I had very little information about what it is like and what it resembles. The biggest part of the event was still ambiguous to me.

Everything started with a dream. It is as if I dreamt it yesterday, I can never forget it: I am in the middle of a very large garret. There are old garments, a few armchairs and cheval glass scattered around there. I am looking at motes flying in the sun light coming into through transom windows in the walls where slant ceiling ends. The light is coming with a very enjoyable angle and I am in a sweet peace while being alone in the room. I am walking towards the glass and looking at myself. I am tall and I have long, golden yellow hair. My thick curls reach to my eyebrows, my hair is half-fastened on the top and the other half of my hair is falling into my shoulders.   I have a dark, long skirt and a white, tiny shirt on me. I am so beautiful… I am 18 years old…

I was 9 or 10 years old when I dreamt this dream. I was a burly child in every aspect. I had short, brown hair and a thick, bone- framed glasses. I was unaware that teeth wire was going to be put into my mouth in 1 or 2 years. I used to like to have long hair but my parents did not allow that because it is hard to maintain hair when it is long. As I have no habit of resisting, I amenably went to the hairdresser with my mother every time and I had my hair cut. The biggest dream of mine was to be a young, beautiful girl in one day.

In those years, my first Barbie doll was bought for me in a belated way. In fact, those babies, bed room set and coiffeur set were bought for my sisters 3 and 5 years younger than me… Although I, who wanted Barbie doll for years and did not allow them buy it, am at the age of finishing my school and look 2 or 3 years older than I am, I used to love playing with those dolls. I used to comb their hair, change their clothes and play with dolls by making up some reasons.

One of the family friends of ours which we met almost every weekend had two sons, one is 1 year younger and the other is 6 years younger than me. When 5 children come together, the game we like to play most was the Man Coming From Atlantis. The elder son used to become the Man Coming From Atlantis. The lower part of our berth was regarded as sea in our play.  In our imaginary play, he used to enter into lower part of berth; used to get out there by creeping and used to come to the beach we take place. Because of their ages, my little sister and the brother of Özgür were only figurant. I usually give her right to talk more than my second sister (lets call it rejoinder) but I used to make her play the black-hearted, envious woman despite all her oppositions. As you can guest, I am scenarist, director and leading actress.  We used to play the different versions of the same scenario every weekend… I was a very ugly girl in the past, all of my friend used to make fun of me, then I had many plastic surgeries and got back them; none of them could recognize me but admired my beauty. Meanwhile, the Nan Coming From Atlantis spent that much way in order to fall in love with me and to save me from evil woman. Vow!!! What a dream, what an ego satisfaction it is… The funnier thing is the fact that I doubt the scenario of “Kadın İsterse” show whose leading roles are shared by Cihan Ünal and Hülya Avşar has been stolen from my scenarios in my past. Those who came across and watched it must have realized it.

All right, I would not regard myself as beautiful at all in my childhood because I did not have two most important thins to be beautiful: A slender body and long, even and yellow hair. However, the adults used to find me very beautiful I remember not only my parents but also the people who do not know said “what a beautiful girl you have”. Moreover, while I was in last grade of primary school, a different teacher in charge of music affairs of our school came to the class and requested a few minutes from our class teacher in order to choose the three most beautiful girls of our class for evening performance of our school in the end of year. Vow!!! How exciting it was… I, the nerd in the front desk, put out my glasses when I heard this and put it into the drawer of desk; I stroked my eyebrows upwards as my mother taught me and gave shape to my hair without being noticed. I never forget that moment. The jury of one person gazed his eye on every girl in the class one by one, spend some time on me and finally explained his decision: I was one of the girls he chose. Off! My beauty was approved now! I think my mother was right. However, I was anyhow… Moreover, I wanted to be found beautiful by the boys in my class…  On the other hand, I beat some of the boys as being the tallest person in the class and I don’t think they regard me as a girl.

A few years passed. I was in secondary school now. In those times, my favorite show used to tell what a beautiful girl called Lorena is living in her life. I think her name was something like Carousel. There was a handsome singer called Eduardo Capetillo in the show. Additionally, there was an ugly girl in love with him. Afterwards, the ugly, young girl got beautiful and Eduardo fell in love with her. It is like an Esma story in the show called Bir İstanbul Masalı.  I think the scenarists are having difficulty in finding scenario and they steal the main themes from the dreams of girls that are in age group of 9-10 years. Therefore, that shows become successful.  If Lorena ghosts whose some part is hungry are wandering inside of us, they get satisfied with these shows. Oh my goodness! It was an age in which I used to emulate Lorena and become an admirer of New Kids On the Block…  Not after a long time, I used to hide that I am a fan of NKOB in last grade of secondary school after 2 years passed. Now I was a heavy metal music listener. I admired Axl Rose, fell in love with Bon Jovi and winked James Hetfield. Furthermore, I began to let my hair get long. My father did not resist my perseverance and bought me a leather jacket. I used to wear my black, leather jacket, used to divide my hair into two parts, used to tie a red bandana on my forehead and put my hair on my cheeks through bandana. I of course used to wear half boot and walk by springing. Additionally, it was 1990 and I was the first person who wore half boot. At first, everybody tried to make fun of me but the fashion of half boot influenced all of those in student hotel after a few weeks passed.   The reason why I became fast in wearing was the fact I read newspaper: I had read a news that the first operation of USA in Iraq caused a crazy fashion of wearing military garments and I succeeded in being the first person with half boot in the school by being a pioneer and rapid before this fashion came to Turkey. Thanks to Yeşil Kundura… They used to sell half boots even when there was no half boot fashion. 

Anyway, I began to shape my appearance as my age approached 18. I was 18 years old in the summer I graduated from high school. My glasses and teeth wire were left, I was in the normal weight and I had quite long and yellow hair. The knack of matter was to add some peroxide into the daisy water with which I comb my hair under the sun.   

It is strange that I looked like the girl I dreamt in the dream when I was 9-10 years old. All those Barbie loves, the Hollywood beauties on television and my peers imposed me that the beauty comes from a slender body and long, yellow hair. There was a promise made by a child for itself in order to have such appearance. Keeping her promise was the duty of Aycan coming after many years. I am thinking that I did well by keeping that promise. After I had the appearance in my dream, I had the chance to realize that the boys after that appearance were so empty-headed. I never responded the appearance of a boy looking like Eduardo Capetillo. The boys I liked were always book worms, talented boys having a sharp sense of humor and I finally got married a person like this.  The people who carry their passion of brand name into the atmosphere they take place, who make English words with American accent in one of two sentences of theirs, the men with perfume and hair gel who come over as if they are not coming over and the Barbie dolls who share the atmosphere with them still cause me to wonder the following: Can these people be really happy as long as they do not get rid of their Hollywood syndromes? No, I ask this very sincerely because they sometimes seem to be really happy.  I mention about the situation of contentment and big happiness in which you feel the peace with all your cells, are really glad with yourself and your decisions and feel a sincere respect to yourself. I mean the peaceful and overall state of soul in which there is no objection inside you and in which you have no troubles, worries and fears… You know it… Is it possible for those Barbie and Ken feel this state of emotion with their own situations? I don’t think it is probable. I am sure that the social successes which they acquired from the way they drew give them pleasure. However, there should always be something missing. Inside of them, there must some side whispering that they are the second class reproductions of some templates or there should be some people which are different from the personality they represent in the daytime and which talk differently in their minds when they lie in their beds at night. Actually, there should be a voice whispering that they deceive everybody and are ordinary players in a huge scene and that the social successes they acquire that day do not mean anything. If such voice does not exist too, it means that they live and get old without knowing themselves and without knowing what their lives are.  It means that they live their lives without knowing “Being Sincere” and without having the need of knowing this as Barbie and Ken. I hope I am wrong, I hope it is not like as it seems from outside. If the point to set out way is the promises they make for the children inside of them, those children pay the cost of these promises every day. As those being on the stage at most are children but the children are those who need the real sincerity at most.

Anyway, I am 29 years old. Not long after, I will have a daughter in 4 months. I want be a good mother rather than everything. I very clearly remember my own childhood and adolescence and this makes me both relieved and scared. My mother is my best friend now. However, there has been such an age that every behavior of my mother was disturbing me in those years. On the one hand I loved her much more than anyone, on the other hand I hated her. Whereas, my mother used to say the same thing all time: “You will see that I will justify when you become a mother”… Mother, I understand you already…   I understand how much you loved me when the creature in my abdomen hit me every time and I am surprised. I understand why you bought me other babies while I was wanting Barbie for years, I understand why you gave that reaction when I changed the color of my hair with peroxide, I understand why you find me so beautiful, I understand why you began to cry when I said “Do not be ridiculous Mum” one day… Now, I can guess how difficult thing this is.  I thank you for your infinite patience and mercy, thank you for your forgiveness by making effort even though you are very fragile and thank you for perseverance of hanging to life in order not to leave us alone in the life. You are the best mother I have ever known. 

Mothers, please keep an eye on the most painful times of daughters these days. Set our heart at rest and do not worry. Your daughter will grow up, will set her own life, will understand you much better than ever and will love you much more than ever.  We are like Matrushka Dolls. There is one woman, o woman coming out of that woman and another woman coming out the other woman; it goes on like this way. We live our mothers inside of us, every time we give birth to the childhood which kept hidden inside us…