Actually, this is a very interesting case, since love and fear are two concepts and energies which are totally opposite to each other... but there are cases in which both of these concepts come together… and a passionate love comes into being, rather than a blind love... Fear of loving burns our souls fiercely but though we burn we don’t even recognise that this is the most fearful thing in our lives… What is this fear of love then? Let me try and explain it through drawing a picture...

You are a naughty boy at the age of 3 and you are happily jumping with joy, you can not sit still for a second and you are surely being naughty but you are doing all of these with enthusiasm and joy. An enthusiasm and joy so pure, so sincere and at full speed…Then a well intentioned adult comes and warns you “hey little kid, don’t jump around! You’ll get yourself hurt”… But as you carry on being naughty the response of that adult may become harsher... A harshness, which can end up with ranting and raving… It can even end up with making you burst into tears… As you shed tears; your subconscious gives your conscious the message that “It is no good to be entranced to the sudden bursts of enthusiasm… Don’t ever jig up and down again… they get angry with you and they make you cry”…

As years go by, you grow up... When you are at the age of 5, the nursery that you attend to organizes a show... You feel very excited for the part that you will play in the show and you, again, can not stop yourself of being lively… Your family, just like all the other families, is asked to bring something to eat for the attendees of the show by the nursery management so your daddy buys a cake... You express your wish to be the one to carry the cake... But as you lay your hands on the cake to carry it, the package tears apart and the cake falls on the floor... Your daddy scolds you and the enthusiasm and the desire that you feel inside ends up unexpressed as your enjoyment is ruined for you. The show that you are about to participate becomes meaningless, a sour faced and a disappointed kid replaces the enthusiastic one, a kid who hears the conversation between his subconscious and conscious. “I have warned you for not letting yourself go that much! You never learn a lesson, do you? Look what you’ve done to yourself!! (What a shame to be scarred for 20 years just because of an asshole piece of cake)

For the first time in your life, your grandma makes a visit to your house... You begin to show off all of your toys to your grandmother with excitement. You feel so happy that you see her but as minutes go by, you realize that she didn’t come to see you but she came to argue with your mother. In between the screaming match of your mother and your grandmother, your soul, which is so fragile against the energy that surrounds, begins to get rasped. And after a short time, you find yourself sitting with your crying mother in a locked room and playing with a toy (it was a toy car). 2 or 3 hours later you get out of the room… knowing that though years pass a part of you will remain in that room and hearing the conversation of your conscious and subconscious; “I’ve been still warning you about the same thing but you insist on making the very same mistake! This is what happens if there is enthusiasm, an enthusiasm which is especially felt in front of a cared one!”

At the age of 7, you are still attending to the nursery. Since you are elder than the other students the management separates your room from them, which actually rubs the fear of loneliness in your unconscious. At the time of sleep, though you are obliged to stay in bed, you dare to get out since you expect to see you your mother in that afternoon and you thought you heard her voice. The fake blonde teacher who sees that you are awake and out of bed, throws you back into the room and begins to kick you. You try to protect yourself but the teacher keeps on beating, kicking and slapping… Your soul becomes wounded and your subconscious makes a note that you should be careful against the fake blondes. Moreover you start to fear from being hurt by the brute force for your life time… And you hear your conscious saying to your subconscious; “What a pity? Thought you heard your mothers’ voice, eh? Yes you may miss her since you’ve grown up in a nursery but even thinking that she might be here made you go through all this. Hey Boy! Don’t even think about feeling enthusiasm! This is the price!”

You accumulate all this and similar experiences and the kid inside you gradually becomes a lonely person who can not express his feelings, who feels the fear, who feels isolated, excluded, who can not live the enthusiasm of his love and who fears to show his feelings.

That joyful kid grows up to be the man who had once sowed the seeds of prejudice to his unconscious. He desperately lacks love. He can not manage to express himself, is afraid of joy and actively avoids it and soon enough he becomes a solitary man. As he grows up to be an adult, he begins to reflect all these negative accumulations to his fellows. Since he reflects these, he tries to form up a life, which is in accordance with his thoughts. Once he believed himself to be “worthless”, “insufficient”, “not worth to be loved” and “incomplete”, he tends to create the scenarios which he thinks that will approve his thoughts in an endless loop of self-fulfilling prophecy…

When his first love gives her number and asks him to call her, he feels the same joyful feelings of getting prepared for the nursery show. But when he calls her he hears the refusal of her on the phone, saying that “Don’t love me. My heart belongs to another man... But I don’t want to lose you as well, please be my friend” the first gladding of the words of his heart ends up with the same old feelings... His unconscious starts yelling at him; “how many times do I have to tell you?? Do you ever listen to a single word of mine? You still insist on that enthusiasm thing, don’t you?? Why can’t you see? This makes you suffer... By the way, I once mentioned but I guess I’ll have to repeat it; Kid, you are totally insufficient! That’s why she didn’t like you”. And from that time on, he begins to fear to express his feelings. After this, being a newly grown up, he will of course have several attempts... But he always faces the experiences which approves the endemic thoughts of “being unworthy” which brings him to a vicious circle. On the one hand he seeks the love of his life just to satisfy his need of loving and of being loved but on the other hand he always has disappointments since he lives the events which he thought he is obliged to live, and this in the end racks his brain.

What he actually needed was just a slap, which will make him get rid of these ridiculous thoughts and finally the heavens made him meet a scorpion woman (the ultimate mission of a scorpion woman is to make men regain their consciousness). The boy falls in love with that girl. For the first time in his life he feels what it means to be loved and to love in return. But the girl was there for something else... She leaves his life just as the way she entered, leaving the boy grounded... the boy struggles for her to return and meanwhile his subconscious delivers all those messages again and again... he does everything for her to return and the girl becomes of course extremely gratified with all this. Ultimately, this was a game and both sides were satisfied; the boy was trying to guarantee her return, living a partial relationship and there was nothing for the girl to complain about, she was taking what was presented to her. Then one day, while the boy expects her return, he learns that she dates with someone else. His whole world comes crashing down at that moment. The messages sent by his conscious to his subconscious starts to be pages rather than small sentences... The boy settles in a corner of a room, sitting on his own…

Then he realizes that this was actually a relationship, though it was not lived completely, though something was missing. He regains his consciousness. There was a big gift given to him, a gift given by her... From that time on he understands what he expects from a girl and he feels the strength to find that one. He comprehends that he can create that girl and that relationship just like he had given shape to the things he lived in his past.  And strangely he was not afraid anymore, having hit rock bottom and bouncing back. He defines the love of his life to a very close friend of him on the ICQ, he defined her from within... strangely, the next day he meets her, and he is shocked. He begins to get acquainted with her. One day he meets a boy on the way to the classroom he sees a man waiting for somebody, suddenly he finds himself suspecting... He asks himself: ‘there are 180 students in that class? Why am I getting suspicious of that man? Could it be possible that he is having an affair with the one that I dream of? Those thoughts were actually his subconscious telling him that “there are more men who are more valuable than you, who are better than you. And the girls, my friend, they always choose those rather than you; you’ve experienced this many times before. Don’t get surprised when you see her putting her arms around that guy” And again his inner voice turn out to be in the right. He watches the girl putting her arms around the guy without a hint of surprise. What surprises him was the look in the eyes of that girl, the look saying that she is sorry. That look will make the man get angry towards all the women and all that they do. He once again faces his inner voice. Right when he said he is ready for loving, the doors were slammed against his face once more. After a short while, he hears the news; the girl had broken up with that man... within a week he finds himself dating with that girl. He is surprised by what has happened and how fast all that was. The love between them lasts for 3 years. This makes the boy to think that he had finally found what he was searching for. Moreover he begins to understand what should be done and what should not be done in a long-term relationship. But within these 3 years he keeps on hearing his inner voice... Though in times of happiness he finds himself fearing from something that he can’t quite put his finger on. As is the case in all relationships, that relationship starts, and comes to an end.  This end will make the man hurt deeply. When he learns the existence of a third person the pain he feels becomes deeper.

He finds himself very alone very abandoned and surrounded by emptiness after that relationship. He feels as if he was paralyzed. He is in such a state that he is unable to find the path to follow and just like all of his fellows he begins to try and find consolation and to search for the happiness in every heart that he can win. Being experienced enough about the relationships, he easily finds someone to pass time with. But when he realizes that his partner starts to fall in love with him, he sneaks off since he not only fears to love but also fears to be loved. Above all the feelings of guilt which is the very result of not being able to respond to the love of the women around him and therefore breaking their hearts makes him sink to the bottom. This continues almost for a year, within this period he felt as if he opened up his heart just to a person. What he had once experienced with that girl actually summarizes everything... On the road to meet with her for the very first time he understands that the questions echoing in his brain about whether she will come or not is simply from a basic fact; the fact that he made his decision. Yes, it was his decision to live the pain and the drama completely. He gets off the bus and waits for that girl to come for 2 hours in the cold night. Several years later he understands that what he did that night was just to create and to live the events which approves the messages of his subconscious... And the heavens, which he blames for all that he has been through, were just presenting what he was asking for.

Only after a year he could manage to pull himself together and he begins to feel ready for loving again. He makes a wish to the heavens to fall in love again. And heavens, again, present what he desires for. He meets a perfect girl and he falls in love again. When he realizes that she was the girl of his life he faces the awful truth that his feelings will remain unanswered, the bells inside his head begin to toll again. He tries to make himself believe that all of these are nothing but a silly joke. But he can not stop himself to return to a prayer for the dying… Actually this is the beginning of a new process which will in turn make him gain more than he can imagine. But that man is incapable of analyzing this in the first instance. What he could do was just to feel depressed right at that moment and onwards… For the first time in his life he feels as if he is ready to fight for love and he is determined enough not to let his lover to go, even though he knows that there will be nothing between him and her, he begins to nourish the feelings that he raised inside for her. But in spite of the unrequited love that he lives on his own, a part of him begins to fear from love.  He meets two perfect people at those times of pain of love. As he gets tired from the equation of fear, breaking and being broken, and running away, he farewells to all of them, leaving himself to remain unsown for the following…

He decides to stay away from love, from his old friends, from everything, which once had connected to him to the past… He decides to find the one who will last forever and who is worth fighting for. That is to say, he resets all of his feelings. Meanwhile his life begins to change. Very important changes begin to take place in his life and he is left with no choice but to face his fears. This inevitably includes facing his fear of loving, which influenced his whole life all the times. He feels as if that fear is almost out of his body just like a callus on the foot. He thinks that as soon as he gets rid of that callus his fear will come to an end. But he ignores the fact that the real fear is beneath the callus, it is within his body. And the only way to remove it is not peeling the callus and causing more pain to him but healing it. And the only way to heal is to observe and admit its reasons and let it form callus on his foot over and over ‘till it unburdens itself… He finally understands that the reason of his callus... he realizes that the last of the shoes that he wears are too tight for him… The very reason of the formation of the callus is those tight shoes and he has to have his shoes altered.

And then he decides he will one by one determine the reasons of the things he has been through which will slowly make his feet out of those tight shoes. He will have best suited shoes to jump around freely as he did in his childhood. But the first thing that he needs is to get rid of those old shoes, to get rid of them by talking to himself and analysing which shoe will best fit to his feet. With this intention he sits in front of the keyboard and begins writing:

Actually, this is a very interesting case, since love and fear are two concepts and energies, which are totally opposite to each other...