It’s cold and i’m shivering to my bones. I am at the “Bornova Buyuk Park” sitting with my boyfriend on an empty bench. I take a glance at the couple sitting on the opposite bench, the girl is fairly beatiful and the boy is handsome as hell. I even say myself that he is too much for her. They are cuddling tightly and kissing innocently. Our eyes connect with my boyfriend; he understood the reason of my slight move to the end side of the bench is for leaving some more space between us. I can see his longing eyes.

I can imagine the scene that could happen; i get closer to my lover, first put my arm around his neck, our eyes connect and i give him a little sweet kiss on the lips. And one more and one more... Everything seems cool right? Wait, there is more. Every eye on the park ground turn to us. The opposite bench’s couple’s jaws drop open with a shock expression on their faces. The boy haste to stand up pulling the girl by her hand. As they pass near by us he swears big time.

Of course this part is only my imagination, but the reality would not differ too much. I mean you can’t see two men kissing indiscreetly everyday.

Life is rough and full of enough chaos; add being gay and a lightened “Welcome to Hell” carnivale sign emerges at the back of my mind. In reality most of the people wants us to be there, preferably the very far end...

Some earthlings consider that my being gay is only a choice, some think it is a genetic disorder, and some see it is a diversion of evil. They keep us apart from themseves no matter how they consider us. I am willing to argue this subject without being stuck to religious fears of creation or persistence of humankind.

We are sure different from most of the “normal” people, our life sytles, sex lifes, our loves... This difference, even if you want or not, bring exclusion. We all sure had an event, in college, high school or even at our childhood, you take a part in a group and don’t allow the ones into the game which don’t match to your attitude. And even you are innocent by being a child, you cruelly judge the oversized child that wants to play ball with you “Sack of potatoes...” It’s not too much different in our adult lifes.

However we don’t differ in vital facts that much, we eat, sleep and even breathe for living. We fall in love, cry after we break up, cheat and be cheated, read and listen music. It is possibble to increase the examples but there’s no need to bore anyone with details. The differences are; we fall in love with the same gender we have, that we can’t marry (at least for the time being in Turkiye); we can’t have a biological child as a couple (for the time being again) and ofcourse our sex lives which we have on borders. I suppose the last one is the one that scares the most straigth people and forces them for exclusion. To imagine a man with another man in bed? Disgusting!

Yet it’s not true to consider this matter just for sex, even most gays act as their only aim is to get laid... Although most straight men aim the same thing, it’s a normal thing for them.

My mask that i’ve been wearing everyday when i go to work is begining to wear out slowly, i need to get a new one as soon as possible because this one that i’ve been using faded due to overuse, it’s edges begun to tear apart. But what can be the reason for me to act like this; when i’m sitting with my collegues in the cafeteria for a smoke why my top topic has to be the beatiful legs of the new secretary or that she should wear a g-string beacuse the other panties don’t look good through those pants that she has been wearing? The answer is quite simple, beacuse i want them to continue speaking with me. I know if the knew the truth even the ones claiming that they are very open minded, would stop talking to me a while later. Ofcourse i’m just speaking of the other normal men, women consider gays a bit different. The conventional women would not accept a gay man as a friend, some would continue with him just for it’s interesting, and the remaining ones would leave it to the way it is without too much prejudice.

But regardless, a huge amount of people would despise, curse and even beat gays as an exaggerated reaction. Just because of this reasons most of the gay men continues to live their private lifes behind closed doors. They share their pains and loves in their secret communities, acknowledged that the society is not ready to accept them.

Nowadays there is a adjustment at amount of gay friends that i have and this reduces my contact with my other friends unfortunately. I can be completely free with my new friends, i know they won’t judge me like others, i know if my choices are wrong they would not slap me in the face but tell me delicately, i know when loose my hopes the would say “ Aiiiii, com’n now, pull yourself together or i’ll tear your pussy till your mouth.” And make me smile again. Ofcourse these kinds of conversations don’t occour in our daily life, we speak with toneless band recordings:

-         How are you today?
-         Very well thank you. And how are you?
...

And what if there was no fear of being regarded as an odd person, would i act as i was with my gay friends? I’ll answer this question as partially yes, i mean i would not act this extravagantly, but without spending the energy to restrain myself, i would be more like myself. I suppose the way we act by ourselves is a cause of the public pressure being lifted temporary. It’s a kind of pyjama party within girls. And it doesn’t happen always, from time to time, when we really are bored.

The main reason of us to despise by a big section of the community is the number of bad examples we encounter everyday. Street fights of the transvestites or a feminine “sister”s coquettish laughter in a café... Even if i don’t stand for those actions i can understand their motives.

The most convenient side of being excluded is to help us produce good things for earth. The success of gay people in the art area is an example for that. Some give so much effort to hide their identities that when it comes to writing, painting, fashion desingning or composing they can express their feelings without any fear and this aggregation of emotions usually turns into a masterpiece, and also some try to recreate the world like the way they want it to be. Sure there are some fiascos from time to time but it is not a surprise to encounter successfull examples.

It is not much different for the rest of us living in other countries. There are assults to gays in The European Countries and United States too. The reason for the citizens of these countries to see this issue from a wider angle is that they have been discussing the subjects like Human Rights and Gay Rights way before Turkiye and they execute their laws more properly. Of course this is a result of the gay people fighting for their actions. But not everything is the way that it should be.

***

Nowadays some thoughts keep disturbing my mind, like everything happens for a reason, nothing is just coincidence. Maybe my being gay is for some reason that i can’t understand for the moment, maybe there is something else for the society’s outlook to us or maybe i just need to wait a little more... But i am about to be annoyed of this anticipation. I don’t want to watch my shattering soul to come out of my mouth like steam clouds on a shivering weather, those clouds that even if you inhale again they don’t go to the places they used to be, because they have once lost their essence.

Avare of my difference, as a homosexual but above all as an earthling i hope this year brings us brand new improvements. Maybe then you can see clearly the the heaven that i’ve been giving life instead of the hell you think i’m living in. It’s sure that i’ve encountered problems even rioted from time to time but i am extremely happy within myself, and are you?