With your first step into the school life, it is continuously reminded to you that people must have a goal and to be able to reach that goal, a real hard work is essential. Likewise, propagandas frequently come to agenda by saying that great successes require real self-sacrifices; and if you bear with that, than it will be very easy for you in the future and you will be very comfortable later on. And afterwards when you hit the target, i.e. when you became successful, as the successor on receiving the microphone addressed to you, you make sentences implying “I believed, I worked and I succeeded”.

And that I am not one of those people.

I always hated the word studying and all its implications since I know myself. When I hear the word “study”, it rings the bell of the scenes from the Turkish movie “Hababam Sınıfı” where the students get concentrated on the lessons, asking questions to each other, buried their faces to the books, these are the scenes that I recall and I just frown. Studying meant to me that it is the effort of forcing me do something which I do not like, especially this feeling is an inheritage to me from this education system. Since primary school, I neither like to study my lessons nor do my homework, but I did them because I was obliged to and I succeeded in terms of my grades. However this was not because I loved and died to study but I was totally forced to. (In fact I’m studying all the time even now while writing this essay. The problem is with the implications of the word “study”. When I’m asked to study, all of a sudden my desire to study disappears).

Besides I never had any targets. Yes, except from that I imagined being a fire fighter in the primary school and an archeologist in the middle class with the effects of Indiana Jones, I did not have any goals. I entered to the faculty, which I’m still studying, through my friends words; “Hasan, hey man, the things you are writing are not very bad. If you go on like this, you can even win the Oscar in 20 years time, Why don’t you choose to decide on Radio, TV, and Cinema department. The best one is in Ankara.” At the university exam, I listed the Radio, TV and Cinema department in the first place and considering the possibility of not being successful, I put the “Public Relations & Introduction” Department underneath to the second place. When the exam results were announced, I was really very disappointed to find out that I won the “Public Relations”. But later on I liked my study in that field so much that I still could not leave. My life has already been just like being pushed by someone to the pools that I just glance at while walking by and have no interest in jumping into them, but afterwards getting so much used to those pools that I do not want to get out of them. When I realized that the pools that I were being pushed into were not regular ones but were charming pools which do have miraculous characteristics, my trust has been increased to that being which was pushing me from my back.

I should also confess that I am a person who likes to keep everything under control and in case of a little deviation, I at the same time become a person who gets lost and panic. However experiencing the miraculous events within the pool I was pushed into, I started to admit that everything cannot be under control and in fact life process is open to miracles that may come true any minute. That awareness helped me to release my muscles that were stretched because of anxiety for future and enjoy staying at the pool. And the outcome is that the number of the happy and peaceful days has increased compared to the other days. The most important of everything is that I began to grasp gradually the meaning of existing at the MOMENT (Congratulations!! We have heard many sentences like this billion times which are hanging in the air. Give us some concrete examples so that we do not repent reading the whole essay)

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I was in real shock when I left the room where I had my thesis jury exam and walked towards my room. My thesis was rejected and furthermore I had to make a choice regarding my life. There was a question standing in front of me asking what I want to do in my life and I do not exactly know the answer. I have been working at this faculty for the last 3 years. Since I have not exactly taken my head to the outside world, I did not know what was waiting me out there and therefore I could not fully trust myself. At the same time I was not aware of my power.

The university has become a kind of shelter for me and now it was time to get out of there; but this time there was no one pushing me from my back. A pool has been brought in front me and I received several messages couraging  me to jump into that pool. However unlike the other  pools I entered, this pool was very dark and you could not see the bottom. It was full of uncertainties and apart from everything, I was asked by the universe to jump into that dark and unknown pool. I knew that this pool has not come to me for no reason and inside I keep hearing the words “trust me” but hey it was somewhat dark there. Besides there is no one to push me, I was totally left alone in deciding to jump or not. The reflection of this situation at the real world is in the format of my instructor’s question “Will you stay at the university or not?”. I had to make a choice and I saw that staying is not the right one, because this would point out my fear of getting out of my shelter. Meanwhile a powerful inner voice was saying that “Hey man, you will sooner or later leave the world and this could happen within an hour time. The things you will be taking with yourself will only be the courage or the timidness. You do trust and just jump!!!” Meanwhile when I looked at the things I had in my hands, I saw that this opportunity had been actually presented to me in the most appropriate conditions and I got relaxed to know that. At least my family had the necessary finance to support me, and even if I had chosen to resign, I would still have got paid for another 3 months and my CV was a powerful one; but I had to leave the circumstances which I liked and felt happy there and had to let myself to the darkness... and I did...

Before entering to my advisor’s room, I thought a long while on stepping into or not, because I knew that every step I would take, would change my whole life. Then I said to myself “Hey that is enough, stop thinking about this and that too much. I have only one life to lose. Let it be” and entered the room, told my decision to him. When I got out of the room, I knew that I now opened my eyes in a totally different world and I jumped into the pool at last... I did...

Aside from everything, I, who have been saying for only 2 years ago “I never trust this universe”, now trusting this universe that I hated and offended by and jumped into the darkness. Even though deep inside I was feeling that I had fallen into an extraordinary blue & wonderful tropical pool, when I opened my eyes, everywhere was dark and I could not see anything. Wherever I turned my head, there was a concrete darkness surrounding as if could be grasped by the hand. My eyes required some time to get used to this darkness. The reflection of that in this world was to leave everything for a while and go to Mersin where my family was and I spent my whole time watching movies day and night. Although this darkness was hurting me in the first days, later on I get used to it gradually and after same time I saw a light ahead. When I moved towards to that light, I faced something that was impossible for me to imagine.

One night I was at my friend Gulum’s house and while checking my e-mails, a message from Aycan Saroglu shocked me. She was the editor of “Aktuel” magazine and wanted to talk to me on the “Spiritual Woman” serial. I first spoke to her on the phone and then went to Istanbul to meet her. While I was approaching to the meeting point in Taksim Square, all of a sudden a vision appeared to me and I saw her face. Then from the entire crowd at the meeting place (AKM), I knew that she was “her” at the first occurrence, as if the spots were turned on her just like in the movies. When we came closer and looked at each others face, the first word flowing through my mouth was not “Hi” or “Good day” but just “Whoa” (It should be funny for Aycan as well. A guy is coming from Ankara and the fist thing coming through his mouth is “Whoa”) Because the vision of the face was her face, I realized at the first moment that our meeting was not a coincidence. Our first communication was great but after a while later, I felt that I got afraid from her when considering especially the spiritual talks and journalist relations as well as my environment saying “Be very careful, try to guess what these kind of people do to a man?”… All of a sudden, our whole communication broke down. At one side Aycan was saying to me that I should not be afraid of her, on the other side my inner voice was loudly shouting “Hey man, you know that she did not come across to you for no reason, TRUUUST!!!..” At last, against some question marks in my mind, I had the courage to move and established the communication again. Later on when I saw her articles, I once more witnessed how fear can succeed in spoiling the MOMENT. Most important of all is that this reminded me once more to trust my intuition and my inner voice.

After resolving the little question marks in my mind regarding Aycan, we shifted into a very warm relationship and this turned out to be a kind of traveling companion. Business interaction has vastly become an inner interaction and sharing. Eventually we found ourselves in the mood like being close friends for 40 years. At the same time, we were frequently still having business relations. Aycan introduced me the chief editor of Esquire, Esra who is now a friend of mine that I am really fond of. While sending Esra my serial “Spiritual Woman”, I also forwarded her my other articles. I was secretly desiring “I wish I could write for this magazine permanently” but also become loyal to my thought that “Everything occurs at the right time within the best and appropriate way if you do choose this” Yes, the choices were always there for me to decide. When I looked back especially to the last 10 years I gathered the spiritual knowledge, I realized that I kept selecting the unique choice; “I totally leave myself to the universe, I ask to experience the highest goodness for the whole universe”.

I could have decided choosing my fiancé returning back to me when we broke up and I am sure I could have brought her back, but I deliberately and insistantly preferred to say “Let it be for the highest good of the universe!” Likewise in a panic I could have asked to demand for a new job when I decided to resign, but I preferred to do the same thing like I did when I was threatened to be killed. I could have prayed for Esquire, but instead said “Let’s hope for the best” and surrendered myself.. Meanwhile I became aware that I began relieved upon making this choice. The interesting of all is that I focused my thoughts at the MOMENT instead of future since I had no idea of what was going to happen tomorrow and began to enjoy with the things I had in hand. I started to live day by day since I had to make a decision on either trusting the universe or to be anxious. The only difference between them is that one enhances to survive at the MOMENT and the other is messing up everything. Instead of messing up I chose to live like I will die tomorrow and let it go.

Do you wonder what happened next? They called me from Esquire & proposed me a column to write at the magazine. During that time, somewhat Sibel, now a dear friend of mine, called me from Cosmopolitan and asked me to write for them. While I was asking to write for one, I now had two columns. During this time my book has been published and I was having many marvelous experience right after one another. Besides I was proposed nice jobs. However I sincerely could not decide exactly what to do considering the job issue especially. At this point I had to make a choice and said to the universe “I will not look for a job for money. I will have a job that I will love to work. I will enjoy that job so much that I will get paid for that. I will not run after work or money. Whatever I need will come to me, I know that. Let’s hope for the best.” And let it go.

I would like to open a parenthesis at this point. At this period I gathered 2 important experience through the last studies with Bilge (whom I extensively mentioned in my book as “Lady called Bilge”). She totally changed my approach to life. As to summarize we can say that it is a journey of subconscious and supraconscious and through this journey, we entered into a house with Bilge. (The house is representing me). It was very dark inside and Bilge was trying to turn on the lights but I have stopped her. She was asking me “Hasan why is it dark everywhere in here?. My reply to Bilge was “Bilge, it is not dark, on the contrary I want it to be like that; because when we turn on the lights, I will see the things in the room and this will stop my creativity. In darkness I can pick up whatever I want from the room and this helps to surrender my creativity”.

All of a sudden I comprehended the meaning of the Osho Zen Tarot card “Nothingness” that comes to me now and then and I realized where that sentence I often repeated came from and it was “Do not get afraid of darkness or ambiguity or nothingness because they gave way to witness miracles in your life”. Nothingness seems terrifying to us may be because it looks dark, but be reminded that on the creation of the universe, light came out of darkness:)

After telling these to Bilge, I began to walk in the room and Bilge told me that she has seen things under my foot. While I was stepping with great comfort, Bilge was looking at the visions appearing under my foot and she said to me “Hasan, as you walk along, with your each step, all the things you need are being laid down under your foot, I saw that”. On getting this information, would a young and sprightly man still stretch and tighten himself by tormenting through harmful thoughts. (If you also say you want to meet Bilge, you can reach her at bilge@reikievi.com )

Of course there is another side as well. Everything is not that easy as in a fairy tale. While experiencing them, you are getting hurt, afraid, become anxious and worried. Life is teaching you that through your lifetime, other than the sweet experience, there is at least equivalent number of bitter tests. And this sweet and bitter experiment are actually no different than each other and with an ugly saying life is fuckingly teaching us that both should be embraced within the same compliance. For instance, it is a great feeling to fall in love and to share your love, like it is also an extraordinary sensation to have the courage of breaking up (against the grief within yourself) when you feel the necessity that you have to walk in opposite directions. Our lives escaping from pain and sorrow is suddenly changing upon being able to prove the courage to embrace this grief. The courage isn’t the state of not fearing or not escaping, this is the ability “to move forward against the feelings of fear and desire to get away” with your whole self and heart. When you are jumping into the pools, you are not making sentences like naive angels and say “I am letting my eternal light, trust and peaceful self I received from the universe to the warm embraces”, but you just jump into the darkness man, it is not the easiest thing in the world. You got this piles in your ass because of this fear, but you still do jump. This is the case!!!

Lets return back to our story after dropping such a parenthesis. I had a wonderful 6 months. After the rejection of my thesis in July and during this period I had nothing in my mind as for tomorrow. I have just and only the things for the “MOMENT”. For a moment, my advisor called me to his room and asked “You are going to leave after your jury exam, have you taken the necessary precautions?” There has been a period of 3 months for the correction of the thesis and it has already been passed away. My instructor’s sentence was implying that I would have to leave the university for sure. I again admitted the case by saying to myself “Let’s hope the best” and kept living in the MOMENT. Looking from one side, I was grateful when comparing my state now with my other self 6 months ago and thanking God. (I now have my Master’s degree, received another 3 months payment while expecting only for 3 months, my relationship with others are nice, I am a writer now at the magazines I have been a subscriber once, and overall I was trusting). I said to myself lets do the military obligation at this leisure period, but inside I wish not to spend my time being a soldier in 2004 (2004 is a very special year and I do not want to waste it by staying at barracks). But still I did not say “I chose not doing the military obligation”, instead I said “Lets experience the highest good for all the universe” comprehending the understanding that my becoming a soldier in this period might be the best thing for me (This choice is not expressed only in words, it has been united with me being repeated all the time in years. At the same time, when I looked back at my life and seeing that I have lived much better life than the choice if it has been up to my mind’s creation, I opened myself to the apprehension that the miracles and fairy tales may also come true. Desiring with full heart “The highest good for everything” became a password for me in entering to the world of fairy tales and miracles).

Having enjoyed my stay in Mersin glaring at the sea during the religious holiday, I went back to Ankara upon receipt of a call from my advisor. I said “Yes, Hasan. That is the end. You have a jury test this week and then will be leaving the university next week”. Even though I grieved deeply, I tried to accept my new life. When I left his room, I had a meaningless expression on my face because we did not discuss my resigning but instead my staying there and I was staying.

I looked back at the things I have experienced for the last seven months and I saw the scenario I have lived. I was able to get out of my shelter and witnessed the outer world. Furthermore I recognized my power at the outer world and realized the truth that I was never alone. Overall I proved to take the courage on stepping when necessary, which was previously was not possible for me. When I was ready now, everything I had given up were presented to me and this time I chose that place not because I had to or I was afraid but with my own will. Moreover it is no longer a shelter, because I do not need any shelter any more. I have got aware of my power to travel the world. The peace and the smile on my face was the outcome of the power that has been gradually increasing.

All right what about the situation within the pool right now?

I have told you that I have moved towards to the light I first saw and miracles have come true. I walked to that light and the content is precisely like this. However this is not the end, on the contrary this point is just a resting place. Before getting into the light, I glanced at the forest and saw many various lights out there. This tells me that there are many lights to be visited within darkness; and also implies that there will be many journeys. However we should first try to enjoy the pool we are in right now, what do you think?

I wish, whatever we will be facing, will be for the highest goodness of the universe.

Hope you do not lose your trust in miracles...